Stuck In A Rut

I continue to find myself in the same state of stasis that has been plaguing me for too long. My ideas, or their facsimiles, are growing moldy as they sit in the back of my mind waiting to be rescued by a flash of inspiration, and those that have been freed are wondering if being born was not a curse.

Yesterday I tried to begin editing the sequel to my book, only to find that I lost interest by the time I hit the second page. It’s been this way for several months now, as I don’t know how to get myself in the right frame of mind to go through the process, when there are more immediately gratifying things I could be doing with my time.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I simply knew why I have such ambivalence towards the project. I have two competing theories, and neither one seems to be standing out above the other. It could be that, 1) In my mind I know this second book isn’t as good, and I’m trying to protect myself from realizing that fact, or 2) I know the book is a waste of time, given that practically no one I didn’t blackmail has ever read the first one.

Both ring true, but if I had to pick, I think the second is the weightier alternative. As gratifying as the process of writing and publishing a book was, as excited as I finally was over something I had done with myself, it was even more disappointing to see that so few people cared in the slightest about what I had accomplished. There are those who did, and I’m grateful for that, but so many other people who I thought would have been supportive of me have never said a word about it, and since I know the minute sales I had, I can say with certainty they never read the book.

That makes me wonder what the point is in trying again. If no one cared the first time, when I was flush with pride, there’s no reason for me to believe that anyone will care about the second one, especially if it requires the reading of the first to understand what’s going on. It’s an exercise in futility, something I specialize in.

One of these days I’ll write another book that isn’t connected, and when I do, the crushing of my dream by their apathy will get another chance to destroy whatever confidence I might have in myself. Until then, I get to do it myself.